How to get through the Holidays

Well, the holidays are almost upon us, and many people are out there running around trying to get all their last minute stuff done. The store are full of sparkly, eye catching crap that we don't really need. The commercials all tell us we should have the tree trimmed, the decorations up, and the gifts wrapped. People are so busy they are forgetting the reason for the holidays in the first place. Cookies.
For me cookies mean holidays. During the rest of the year I spend very little time baking, since it's usually too hot to turn on the oven. But the holidays give me the perfect chance to pull out the sugar and flour and butter and create something very special. So far I have baked chocolate chip, ginger snaps, peppermint sugar cookies, and snowball cookies.
But It's not just about having something yummy to eat when ever I want it. It's about the time spent putting the love into it. It's about pulling that first batch out, turning on a  holiday movie and sharing the yummy with my friends and family. It's about having that plate on the table ready to offer anyone who comes to the door and seeing the smile on their face as they bite into that sweet treat. It's like sharing a bit of my joy with everyone who gets a taste.
I know everyone is all about sticking to their diets and not gaining more of those dreaded pounds. But if there was any time that it's ok to indulge just a little in some sweet treat you don't normally have the chance to have, it's the holidays. The smell of something yummy baking is so popular they make all kinds of candles and air fresheners to simulate that comforting sent.
I say just slap on an apron, and put some treat passed down from your mother or grandmother, or even some recipe that looked good on the internet in the oven and feed those you love and care about. It makes you happy, and those around you will almost always come back from more. 

A Hard days night

It's been a very rough few weeks. I am still fat, but not very happy right now. It's been very hard for me to leave my home. I have a hard time even going to the store. If I am with someone, then I'm ok. But by myself all my fears and insecurities flood to the surface and I just can't go out. So tomorrow I'm going to go for a walk. I am going to go out side even if it kills me ( which it just might).
The funny thing is it really doesn't have anything to do with being fat. It's something else. Something I just can't put my finger on. I stay up all night, sleep half the day. I see the world rolling on by me, but I feel helpless to stop it. I want to get out the again. Find a job, something that may not pay a lot but will make me happy. I want to be around people. I don't want to feel like a freak among mortals.
I used to want to make a difference in the world. Change it in some profound way. Now I see I need to make a difference in me. I just don't know how to start. I feel lost and alone and blind. My new mission in life is to make a difference in my life. I want to find some profound path to being the best me I can be. Can someone point me to the start here sign?

It's been awile.

Went out and bought some clothes. Didn't worry about what size they are, just how they looked on. Got a couple of really good ones. And I And I feel really good in them. Flirty and cute. I am going to a BBQ this weekend and have decided to wear these really cute wedge heels I borrowed from my friend. HEELS! I haven't worn them in so long, I thought I might have forgotten how to walk in them, but I am spicy! Have decided that I am going to go to a club and go dancing. Don't know where, but I am getting out of here and have some hot fun!
As for the birthday cake, still eating it, and still loving it. Always will.

My Big Start

So, the reason I started this blog is because my partner said to me on the day I started my period that I looked like had I gained weight. And that I have a mustache. He said this to me less that a week since I started anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. My first impulse was to shoot him, but I couldn't find the ammo. So he lucked out there. My second impulse was to scream at him until he cowered in a corner and begged for his very life. But we live in a apartment with thin walls, so that would just land me in jail without the satisfaction of at least causing some bloodshed.
So that brings me here. I figure I am dealing with so many things in my life I should keep a chronicle. If someone else reads it and takes away something from it, either good or bad, then great. If I am the only person to ever lay eyes on it then so be it. At least I know I'm doing something.
A week ago last Tuesday I went to a pain specialist to see if I could finally get some help. After five minutes he told me to go to OHSU hospital, get gastric bypass surgery, and then come back and see him. He meant every word.
I ended up in the hospital lobby crying and crying and a somehow made my wobbly way to the emergency room. I ended up seeing a doctor who gave me some happy pills, i.e: Xanix, and said to show up the next day for therapy. Turns out, it was one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Cut to today, I have seen a psychiatrist and a therapist, been put on a nice cocktail of meds, and am attending groups part time. I went into them thinking they would be a waste of time, but they are helpful, for the most part.
So marks the beginning of my journey of accepting that I am fat, I will always like cake, and I need to remember to buy depilatory cream so I don't look like an 80- something year old Italian grandmother. Join me if you dare.