The wind of destiny and other hoaky things

Today I walked. I walked and I walked and it felt so good. I didn't power walk. I didn't walk fast. I just strolled and looked at the sky and enjoyed the cool breeze on my face. I even got rained on a little and it was wonderful. I walked to the Starbucks and had a hot apple cider. Then I waled some more. I didn't think. I didn't worry. And I didn't do it to loose weight, so there was no pressure. It was just a nice long stroll in the coll autumn weather. It's also something I think I will do again tomorrow.
So I have been thinking a lot about the direction of my life. Point in fact, it has been directionless. I have had so many good ideas. I have had so many good jobs. But there has always been something wrong with them. I have seen so many people who work horrible jobs that they hate, or work with horrible people that they can't stand, and they just slog through it day in and day out. I have never been able to that.I don't know why. I just can't.
I also have a lot of fear. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. The fear is a lot like my life. Directionless. But it's there an it holds me down as sure as Royal icing holds together a gingerbread house. So I need to find a way to free myself of the fear so that i can move on and maybe be happy with what ever path my life takes. Maybe I need to not just let the direction of my life be chosen by the breeze of destiny (yes, I know that is hoaky, but it works for me). So I have to find a way to get rid o f the fear, and steer my own destiny. I feel like the lead in a Julia Roberts movie, but with more bust and butt. 

Now is my time....

SO, I am in a love hate relationship with myself. There are some days I wake up, jump out of bed and hit the day running. I get dressed, and actually feel like I look pretty. I feel as if I can do anything. I love myself on those days. Then I have the days when I wake up, pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until 1pm. Then when I finally straggle out of bed and in front of the mirror, I can't even look at myself. Those are the days I hate myself. What I am currently working on is the in between. Extremes are not good. They tear the soul apart. So what I am working on is getting out of bed every day around the same time. I get showered and dressed right away so I don't fall back into the warm and comfy trap of doom. Then I just figure out what to do with my day. I take walks, I clean, sometimes I actually have stuff to do. Like appointments and such.And i cook. I still love food, and the part of me that hates it is dying a slow and gleefully painful death. There is so much more to life, to me than food. SO I play with with. I cook for myself, but mostly I cook for others. I find the smells, and the sounds, and even the movements, like stirring and whisking, are a comfort to me. I'm in my element when I am elbow deep in pumpkin bread dough. Heaven on earth for me the smell of a good curry sauteing on the stove or bubbling in the oven.
  But I am learning that there is much more to me than food and even than my body. There is my mind, which is witty and sharp.The is my wit which is quick and scathing at times.There is my love for my family and friends. My anger at the state of the world and my currently impotent desire to do something to change it. On those days when I just want to roll over and pull up the covers and hide from life, I now realize I am just hiding from myself. I am the one person I can not hide from. Now matter how much fat I have on me to delve into, I will always find me.
So right now is not a lets loose weight and get all healthy and slim time of my life. Yes, eventually I do want that. Right now is a lets find a way to be happy with who I am every day and have respect for myself time of my life. My size does not define who I am. It does not add or detract to my personality. And I will not let it control me and hold me back any longer. I am going to learn to love myself for who I am, for what I have to offer to the world, and for who I aspire to become. If, in the process, I drop some pounds and get slimmer then I'm ok with that. But if I don't I'm ok with that too. It's time to stop letting what other people think of me define who I am and how I feel about myself. It's time I let myself shine. And anyone who is not ok with how I look is someone who I do not want in my life.