The wind of destiny and other hoaky things

Today I walked. I walked and I walked and it felt so good. I didn't power walk. I didn't walk fast. I just strolled and looked at the sky and enjoyed the cool breeze on my face. I even got rained on a little and it was wonderful. I walked to the Starbucks and had a hot apple cider. Then I waled some more. I didn't think. I didn't worry. And I didn't do it to loose weight, so there was no pressure. It was just a nice long stroll in the coll autumn weather. It's also something I think I will do again tomorrow.
So I have been thinking a lot about the direction of my life. Point in fact, it has been directionless. I have had so many good ideas. I have had so many good jobs. But there has always been something wrong with them. I have seen so many people who work horrible jobs that they hate, or work with horrible people that they can't stand, and they just slog through it day in and day out. I have never been able to that.I don't know why. I just can't.
I also have a lot of fear. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. The fear is a lot like my life. Directionless. But it's there an it holds me down as sure as Royal icing holds together a gingerbread house. So I need to find a way to free myself of the fear so that i can move on and maybe be happy with what ever path my life takes. Maybe I need to not just let the direction of my life be chosen by the breeze of destiny (yes, I know that is hoaky, but it works for me). So I have to find a way to get rid o f the fear, and steer my own destiny. I feel like the lead in a Julia Roberts movie, but with more bust and butt. 

Now is my time....

SO, I am in a love hate relationship with myself. There are some days I wake up, jump out of bed and hit the day running. I get dressed, and actually feel like I look pretty. I feel as if I can do anything. I love myself on those days. Then I have the days when I wake up, pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until 1pm. Then when I finally straggle out of bed and in front of the mirror, I can't even look at myself. Those are the days I hate myself. What I am currently working on is the in between. Extremes are not good. They tear the soul apart. So what I am working on is getting out of bed every day around the same time. I get showered and dressed right away so I don't fall back into the warm and comfy trap of doom. Then I just figure out what to do with my day. I take walks, I clean, sometimes I actually have stuff to do. Like appointments and such.And i cook. I still love food, and the part of me that hates it is dying a slow and gleefully painful death. There is so much more to life, to me than food. SO I play with with. I cook for myself, but mostly I cook for others. I find the smells, and the sounds, and even the movements, like stirring and whisking, are a comfort to me. I'm in my element when I am elbow deep in pumpkin bread dough. Heaven on earth for me the smell of a good curry sauteing on the stove or bubbling in the oven.
  But I am learning that there is much more to me than food and even than my body. There is my mind, which is witty and sharp.The is my wit which is quick and scathing at times.There is my love for my family and friends. My anger at the state of the world and my currently impotent desire to do something to change it. On those days when I just want to roll over and pull up the covers and hide from life, I now realize I am just hiding from myself. I am the one person I can not hide from. Now matter how much fat I have on me to delve into, I will always find me.
So right now is not a lets loose weight and get all healthy and slim time of my life. Yes, eventually I do want that. Right now is a lets find a way to be happy with who I am every day and have respect for myself time of my life. My size does not define who I am. It does not add or detract to my personality. And I will not let it control me and hold me back any longer. I am going to learn to love myself for who I am, for what I have to offer to the world, and for who I aspire to become. If, in the process, I drop some pounds and get slimmer then I'm ok with that. But if I don't I'm ok with that too. It's time to stop letting what other people think of me define who I am and how I feel about myself. It's time I let myself shine. And anyone who is not ok with how I look is someone who I do not want in my life.      

OK, it's summer and that means ice cream galore! It also means not one, not two, but three birthdays in one month! And we all know what that means! CAKE! Not just cake. but birthday cake! My favorite kind ever! I will say I have been eating much healthier than I used to . I have this wonderful friend who is mostly vegan. We have been going out to lunch one a week or so, and I must say I am very surprised at the vegan fare being offered in some of these places.
Also, I am now the proud owner of a new food processor. That means hummus, salsa, pico, fresh fruit salads, sliced and shredded veggies, and so much more! I don't mind eating healthy as long as it's tasty.
With the fourth of July coming up I was trying to think of what would would well on a pick nick. And while there will be hummus and veggies, fruit and such, I have decided I want fried chicken and watermelon. It a dam holiday after all! And I will not worry for the day about burning it all off. I will sit in the sun, in a bathing suit ( which I'm sure will shock some people), and read and nap and maybe even swim if I feel like it. I am gonna have a nice relaxing time and not pay any attention to the skinnys who stare at me as I eat. At least I enjoy it. And the whole time I am gonna be asking myself if their starvation diets are really worth it.
I have a very cute one piece that shows off my "girls " very nicely, and I am gonna enjoy every minute of it.
There will be more to come about the three birthdays soon. I promise. Ta ta for now my friends!

Sorry for being away so long, but I had a good reason, really.....

I know, I know. Don't yell at me. I have been away far too long. All I can say is sometimes family matters can take over your life and need all your attention. But things have calmed down, a bit, and I am back!
 The reason I have been gone for so long is because even though he is only 11 years old, he had a little melt down. He became very anxious and depressed and ended up in the hospital for a few weeks. I spent that time wondering what I had done wrong and how I could fix it. The amount of guilt I felt was soul crushing. All I wanted to do was find a way to fix what ever I had screwed up to make him end up this way.
It took me a long while, long after he finally came home, to realize that my son has a few problems beyond my control. And to think I could just "fix" everything was ridiculous. Sometimes even kids have problems that they have to find a way to work through. And as a parent I can only find the best help for him out there. Help guide him as much as I can, and trust that there are doctors and teachers that can fill in the gaps I miss.

So, anyway, when he came home the doctor put him on some medication that changed his appetite. Almost over night he went from the most picky eater I have ever known, to a ravenous eating machine, crunching and munching through everything he could get his hands on. Once I realized that this was not going to go away as long as he needed this medication, I made it my mission to have only healthy, good food in the house for him. No more fast food runs when I felt too stressed or tired to cook. No more ice cream or cookies stashed for late night snacking. I needed to help him make good choices and to do that I needed to set a good example. I had to change the way I ate and the amounts. I had to show him that fruits and veggies are just as good as sugary sweet snacks.

So thus began my new culinary adventure.  I went wild on the internet finding new ways to cook for us all. I printed out spread sheets of nutrition information. I went crazy bringing in only fresh, non processed food. And I spent a lot more time cooking. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It worked for a while. Until some thoughtless little punk told my son he was getting fat. Now I have a new battle to fight. I have to find a way to balance his need to eat due to medication, and his trying to starve himself to look like all the people he sees on TV.

The other day he asked me if he could eat dinner and then throw it up so he didn't gain any more weight. Now, my kid has always been on the thin side, no matter what he ate. Which is why I never thought in my wildest dreams I would ever have to deal with this. My first instinct was to go find that big mouthed kid and whack him over the head. But I refrained. I know that it wasn't really that kids fault. And it would just get me in trouble anyway. But I did panic. I couldn't let my kid end up some stupid eating disorder statistic. He has enough to deal with. He didn't need this crap too.

So now I am trying to help him find balance in all parts of his life. I tell him that not everyone looks like television stars, and everyone is born different. I make sure he has healthy options, and I watch him like a hawk to make sure that he is actually eating and keeping it down. When I began this blog, I intended it to be a sometimes funny, lighthearted romp though my foodie life. I wanted to show the world that not everyone has to be a size 2 to be happy. And that it's ok to enjoy your food. Now I am finding that my intent has changed. My entire life has been focused on my son and helping him through this difficult time. And now because of his struggle I have found my attitude towards food and weight changing. I still believe with all my heart that you can be happy at any size. But I am struggling with finding a way to show this to my son. To help him know that we are all different and that if we were all the same we would be so boring. In order to that I need to tread a very thin line. I have to change the way my family eats, what we eat, and how much we eat without making it obvious that's what I'm doing. If I make a big deal out of it all then I am just reinforcing his bad self image. If I just let things go as they are, he may just end up in the hospital for an entirely different, and more dangerous, reason.

Well, that's my story up to now. Only I suppose it's not just my story any more. Because of that what I write here may change. I will still try and be as lighthearted as I can be. I'm sure that as time goes on I will still find humor and even some measure of comfort in food.
But this will also be a chronicle of my growth as a person and as a parent. I plan on writing about all the changes I make along the way. I already know that this is journey is going to change me. I have lost 40 lbs since I was last here. My intent is not to loose weight, it never has been. But I see this as an inevitable part of the whole story.

I still enjoy my cake, and eat it too. But now I must do so in a more responsible, reasonable way. I can't let my own insecurities be front and center. In order to to help my son find his balance in life, I must find my own. Leading my example is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know there will be times I will fail and times I will succeed. And I hope that through it all I can find some way to share it all with everyone. 
I know my "mission" has changed, but the sense of humor that colors it all has not. I hope you all enjoy the ride. It might be a wild one.

Another year

It seems as if last year flew by in a flurry of ice cream cakes and cookies and everything yummy under the sun. Don't get me wrong. I also have fruit and veggies in my house at any given time, but they just aren't as memorable. Who wants someone to come out on their birthday with a bunch of birthday broccoli? Or show up with a bouquet of squash? Face it, it's the yummy, not so good for us treats that define memorable moments.

I have decided this year, I am going to embrace those moments, and make them all as yummy and tasty as I can. I will get that cup cake I see in the shop to celebrate the new book I just bought. I will grab a cookie or two when I clean my kitchen floor. There is nothing wrong with rewarding the small moments as well as the big ones. This past years for my hubby's big 40 I threw him a big Asian themed bash. And right there in the center was a cake. But not just any cake. It was a beautiful cake with three kinds of sushi, dipping sauce that looked like soy sauce, and chop sticks all made out of fondant. That was memorable.

This year, I will do the same sort of thing for all the big celebrations, and still remember that not only is it good to stop and smell the roses sometimes, it's also good to stop and smell, and even eat, the baked goods from time to time. Any moment you want to remember should be accompanied by food. That is my new years resolution.   

How to get through the Holidays

Well, the holidays are almost upon us, and many people are out there running around trying to get all their last minute stuff done. The store are full of sparkly, eye catching crap that we don't really need. The commercials all tell us we should have the tree trimmed, the decorations up, and the gifts wrapped. People are so busy they are forgetting the reason for the holidays in the first place. Cookies.
For me cookies mean holidays. During the rest of the year I spend very little time baking, since it's usually too hot to turn on the oven. But the holidays give me the perfect chance to pull out the sugar and flour and butter and create something very special. So far I have baked chocolate chip, ginger snaps, peppermint sugar cookies, and snowball cookies.
But It's not just about having something yummy to eat when ever I want it. It's about the time spent putting the love into it. It's about pulling that first batch out, turning on a  holiday movie and sharing the yummy with my friends and family. It's about having that plate on the table ready to offer anyone who comes to the door and seeing the smile on their face as they bite into that sweet treat. It's like sharing a bit of my joy with everyone who gets a taste.
I know everyone is all about sticking to their diets and not gaining more of those dreaded pounds. But if there was any time that it's ok to indulge just a little in some sweet treat you don't normally have the chance to have, it's the holidays. The smell of something yummy baking is so popular they make all kinds of candles and air fresheners to simulate that comforting sent.
I say just slap on an apron, and put some treat passed down from your mother or grandmother, or even some recipe that looked good on the internet in the oven and feed those you love and care about. It makes you happy, and those around you will almost always come back from more. 

A Hard days night

It's been a very rough few weeks. I am still fat, but not very happy right now. It's been very hard for me to leave my home. I have a hard time even going to the store. If I am with someone, then I'm ok. But by myself all my fears and insecurities flood to the surface and I just can't go out. So tomorrow I'm going to go for a walk. I am going to go out side even if it kills me ( which it just might).
The funny thing is it really doesn't have anything to do with being fat. It's something else. Something I just can't put my finger on. I stay up all night, sleep half the day. I see the world rolling on by me, but I feel helpless to stop it. I want to get out the again. Find a job, something that may not pay a lot but will make me happy. I want to be around people. I don't want to feel like a freak among mortals.
I used to want to make a difference in the world. Change it in some profound way. Now I see I need to make a difference in me. I just don't know how to start. I feel lost and alone and blind. My new mission in life is to make a difference in my life. I want to find some profound path to being the best me I can be. Can someone point me to the start here sign?