Sorry for being away so long, but I had a good reason, really.....

I know, I know. Don't yell at me. I have been away far too long. All I can say is sometimes family matters can take over your life and need all your attention. But things have calmed down, a bit, and I am back!
 The reason I have been gone for so long is because even though he is only 11 years old, he had a little melt down. He became very anxious and depressed and ended up in the hospital for a few weeks. I spent that time wondering what I had done wrong and how I could fix it. The amount of guilt I felt was soul crushing. All I wanted to do was find a way to fix what ever I had screwed up to make him end up this way.
It took me a long while, long after he finally came home, to realize that my son has a few problems beyond my control. And to think I could just "fix" everything was ridiculous. Sometimes even kids have problems that they have to find a way to work through. And as a parent I can only find the best help for him out there. Help guide him as much as I can, and trust that there are doctors and teachers that can fill in the gaps I miss.

So, anyway, when he came home the doctor put him on some medication that changed his appetite. Almost over night he went from the most picky eater I have ever known, to a ravenous eating machine, crunching and munching through everything he could get his hands on. Once I realized that this was not going to go away as long as he needed this medication, I made it my mission to have only healthy, good food in the house for him. No more fast food runs when I felt too stressed or tired to cook. No more ice cream or cookies stashed for late night snacking. I needed to help him make good choices and to do that I needed to set a good example. I had to change the way I ate and the amounts. I had to show him that fruits and veggies are just as good as sugary sweet snacks.

So thus began my new culinary adventure.  I went wild on the internet finding new ways to cook for us all. I printed out spread sheets of nutrition information. I went crazy bringing in only fresh, non processed food. And I spent a lot more time cooking. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It worked for a while. Until some thoughtless little punk told my son he was getting fat. Now I have a new battle to fight. I have to find a way to balance his need to eat due to medication, and his trying to starve himself to look like all the people he sees on TV.

The other day he asked me if he could eat dinner and then throw it up so he didn't gain any more weight. Now, my kid has always been on the thin side, no matter what he ate. Which is why I never thought in my wildest dreams I would ever have to deal with this. My first instinct was to go find that big mouthed kid and whack him over the head. But I refrained. I know that it wasn't really that kids fault. And it would just get me in trouble anyway. But I did panic. I couldn't let my kid end up some stupid eating disorder statistic. He has enough to deal with. He didn't need this crap too.

So now I am trying to help him find balance in all parts of his life. I tell him that not everyone looks like television stars, and everyone is born different. I make sure he has healthy options, and I watch him like a hawk to make sure that he is actually eating and keeping it down. When I began this blog, I intended it to be a sometimes funny, lighthearted romp though my foodie life. I wanted to show the world that not everyone has to be a size 2 to be happy. And that it's ok to enjoy your food. Now I am finding that my intent has changed. My entire life has been focused on my son and helping him through this difficult time. And now because of his struggle I have found my attitude towards food and weight changing. I still believe with all my heart that you can be happy at any size. But I am struggling with finding a way to show this to my son. To help him know that we are all different and that if we were all the same we would be so boring. In order to that I need to tread a very thin line. I have to change the way my family eats, what we eat, and how much we eat without making it obvious that's what I'm doing. If I make a big deal out of it all then I am just reinforcing his bad self image. If I just let things go as they are, he may just end up in the hospital for an entirely different, and more dangerous, reason.

Well, that's my story up to now. Only I suppose it's not just my story any more. Because of that what I write here may change. I will still try and be as lighthearted as I can be. I'm sure that as time goes on I will still find humor and even some measure of comfort in food.
But this will also be a chronicle of my growth as a person and as a parent. I plan on writing about all the changes I make along the way. I already know that this is journey is going to change me. I have lost 40 lbs since I was last here. My intent is not to loose weight, it never has been. But I see this as an inevitable part of the whole story.

I still enjoy my cake, and eat it too. But now I must do so in a more responsible, reasonable way. I can't let my own insecurities be front and center. In order to to help my son find his balance in life, I must find my own. Leading my example is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know there will be times I will fail and times I will succeed. And I hope that through it all I can find some way to share it all with everyone. 
I know my "mission" has changed, but the sense of humor that colors it all has not. I hope you all enjoy the ride. It might be a wild one.